So a lot of you know my life almost completely consists of working at the bar, almost to the exclusion of all else. It’s a choice I made for various reasons but it’s not an end in and of itself. I’m currently in an application process for financial aid for school. I’m applying to two schools, one in NYC and one in SF. My job has been good for me if no other reasons than helping me make a good amount of money to put aside and to keep me so tired I can’t go shopping LOL

Seriously though… I have another 6 to 8 months of saving up to go and that’s regardless of how much financial aid I’m capable of getting. I know most of you at most see me either when you go out or just here online. I hate to say this, but that’s how it’s going to be for the first half of 2009. I’m still not used to it though, even after working in bars for a few years now.

Initially I got a job at Guava to keep me out of trouble 3 years ago or so. And I got comfortable with the routine. I’ve been at JR’s for a year now and there were definitely trade offs, some of which I hated but some of which I loved. But I see some of my coworkers already settled in their lives and I can’t see how that would happen with me given the number of hours and the crazy time when I’m scheduled (ask anyone who works in a bar). But now instead of just working to have the job I’ve been using it to get me to a career. You either come into this settled or you don’t settle at all. Obviously I can’t stay in this industry forever.

After questioning for YEARS who I was, what I want to do, which followed years of dodging all of it, I’m seeing 35 in a couple months and it’s a sign post that will knock me flat on my ass if I don’t do something. I’ve flirted with the idea of cosmetology before, mainly because I have the personality for it and an interest… enough of one, anyway, to dive in and go with the flow.

I’m mostly beyond the self-chastising I’ve had going on for the last couple of years. That I had wasted my time, that I had been aimless, too self-indulgent, too uninterested in what was actually important, other than how to make myself feel good at the moment… The one thing I say to myself now is “Prove it”. A heartfelt, well-written (or maybe not) little blog entry has rarely been more than a list of wishes and in that vein, I don’t expect some of you who really truely know me well to see this as more than a expression of what I want and not necessarily what I will acheive.

I have thought on this much. In fact it’s made me question the need to even write this, since I could just DO IT and then write about it. But to me I’m throwing down the gauntlet. There is no “if I do this” or not.

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